Although I have mostly healed my self, something seems to keep nagging at me and it is why I continue to have outbursts of words like these lately. It is one thing to heal though, and another to see a situation that has not healed, or been resolved. The fact that the abuse continues to this day for others led me to a better state of thinking on one hand, while continuing to be concerned for the victims.
I have the though pop into my head earlier, did I deserve the abuse that I received? Had I done something wrong or done bad things that caused someone else to treat me poorly and abuse my good nature? After much reflection over the past couple of years, I know that not all of my actions are ever perfect, but they are all well intended and come from a place of empathy and kindness. Did I do anything to deserve how I was treated?? Not even close!!
This has been one of the barriers I have met over and over again in my healing process, but I don't know if I have ever been so clear of a certain line of questioning towards myself. If I had done things to deserve the abuse then I could have looked back and understood that this was a consequence of my own actions. That is what has added to the difficulty of 'getting over it'. I certainly did not deserve the treatment I received and therefore must now do something about it.
If we allow people freedom to abuse others with no recourse, then how can we stand up and be proud as human beings? I still understand the idea of 'no contact' with the narcissist, but this is for our 'self' so we can heal first. Once we have healed inside, we must use that healed state to heal wrongs in the world I believe. I may be healed, but the other abused have not, and there will be more as long as the abuser holds the power and pulls all of the strings.
I have to admit that I now find it a little amusing how She can pulls the strings of everyone around her, and they don't even know. Even her bosses never get to see the real her, and she pulls their strings like a skilled puppeteer would. I wonder how long before those strings will break once the mask falls off, and the truth is revealed?!
Friday, November 17, 2017
Someone asked me recently how I finally made the choice to get away from my abusive situation in the workplace. I had put all those memories away for the most part and had not thought about it in a long time, but it turned out to offer a little closure and understanding to myself.
I will share a bit about the day I just could no longer let myself be abused anymore. I was working at the Literacy Alliance in West Nipissing, and honestly loved almost every aspect of my job, and am very good at what I do. This is not a statement of ego or conceit, I am just a very dedicated and loyal employee who has a special kind of love for the clients I was serving because I can truly empathize and understand them well. It was my dream job and at the same time I was being led through the worst anxiety and slow terror of my life.
I would show up early, leave late, take short lunches, and work extra hours anytime without a need(or offer) of money or restitution. I worked hard and diligently for my clients and their successes were my rewards. I was happy to do anything required until I began being taken advantage of as opposed to appreciated for my efforts. And the lies that were told to keep me doing this stuff were amazing when I look upon them in retrospect.
I had been pushed to a low point and the 'triangulation' in my work environment was quickly adding to my feelings of isolation and anxiety, even though I was surrounded by people. I was quietly being fed lies that I would soon start taking over the business and the executive director was going to begin pulling away from the business. These lies, like many before, kept the 'carrot dangling' in front of me so that I would continue to put up with the abuse I was suffering. So many lies!
With the possible exit of the abusive individual, I could see a light at the end of the tunnel, and not just for me but for the other employees who were being slowly terrorized as well. I could see the possibilities of an organization that would thrive and no longer be filled with stress and anxiety each day. Even though I had been pushed to a very low point by the narc, I still had an ounce of hope, and that is what she continued to use against me, until.......
We sat down for a meeting about an upcoming plan at contract time with four of us. As I sat and listened to more lies being spouted by the director, I can still clearly remember every moment, and the darkness that began to fall upon me in that moment. That was when it happened! I got to see clearly that I was being lied to again and again, and the others at the table got to see it too!
She told us that she had just signed a contract for another 3 years with the organization along with another huge raise (and this person already makes more than double the wage of anyone else in the building). That was my 'snapping' point. I knew in that instant that I could not survive another year, let alone 3 more, with this abusive person, it would have literally been the end of me.
All I had to do at that point was to ask a couple of questions that had been plaguing me there for a long time. I asked about where all the money was going in the organization and that is when She flipped out and tried to cover her tracks. And she even lied more trying to explain everything for the benefit of the others I had asked in front of. On top of that, she asked the others to leave at the time and told me I accused her of stealing! I had said nothing of the sorts!
I am very good with numbers and took care of a lot of the number issues in that place, and therefore had access to everything. I kept seeing discrepancies in spending, yet I was always assured that things were all above board. I also knew that once I had asked the questions about the finances that it would drive a wedge between myself and the lies I was being fed. It only took the narc 4 days to push me out of the building, and on top of it, she was able to 'smear' my name and have everyone believing that I had done something wrong, and that I was suffering mental health issues.
The negative causes of my mental health issues at the time were all coming from that same person. She knew exactly what she was doing and still does. Although devastating to me at the time, I am happy all that happened in the end or I may have continued to a point where I could not longer heal. My PNSD or Post Narcissistic Stress Disorder would have gone so deep that even this past year and a half would not have been enough time to heal.
Well, now I have healed and my voice works very well again, it is no longer imbalanced and filled with anxiety/fear. I finally learned that my health and well being was worth more than any carrot being dangled before me, and that is when She lost control of me. Not only does She have no more control over me, but as a problem solver, I can no longer turn a blind eye to what she has done to me, and what she is still doing to others.
Thank God I got out of my abusive situation, and I am thankful for what I have learned along the way, and the immense personal growth I was forced to endure. I suppose the fun part for me is that I know that the narcissist has not grown one bit, and therefore I will be much stronger in this fight now than she will be.
I referred to the game of chess for dealing with issues involving a lot of players in an earlier article, and how to view each person involved like a piece on the board. Although the pieces are important in the game, it only really takes one to win. I am a very good chess player, but it is not the game I am playing because I only hold a piece or two at the moment. I am playing the opponent directly!
All I have to do is protect my couple of pieces and be very patient. I am in no hurry. I am not out to destroy my opponent in any way, I just want the game to be over, but i also won't stop until the 'white' pieces have won. I will continue to play my opponent until She gives up or loses this game. I have lost most of my pieces already and have nothing else to lose, and this is where the game gets very interesting. I get to sit back and watch the pieces fall on the other side, and fall they will!
I will finish with this today; if you want to beat your opponent, (and believe me the narcissist is always your opponent whether you know it or not) then you must first know who your opponent is. Fortunately my opponent has been well assessed as someone with NPD and is therefore easier to understand. There is an abundance of information out there on the tactics and strategies these people use to abuse others, and I have likely read most of it over the past couple of years.
I now know my opponent better than she knows herself, and I have the strength to endure the 'long game'. The game began a long time ago, and I believe she hoped that I would be stuck in a stalemate forever. Well, my king and queen have not given up yet, nor will they.
I have long awaited this spring in regards to this purpose and rather than feeling empty and destroyed as i did when I left the abusive situation, I feel empowered and inspired to drive the change that is required. There is more than one narcissist to deal with now and 'the game is afoot' so to speak. I have cultivated the wisdom and skills needed through the dark times to move from defense to offense. And believe me, I know how to be much more 'offensive' these days.😁
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
I have always believed in standing up for the 'little guy', and helping the underdog, but only if their goal is 'just'. It is quite often the 'little guy' who has the just purpose and that is why he/she fights so hard for their goal in the first place. I also see a pattern where the 'little guy' is concerned, and that is they are quite often the 'nice' or compassionate person who has been pushed down by the more powerful beings around them.
I am the 'little guy' in my fight against narcissism and narcissistic abuse, I get that! The 'little guy' often gets pushed around and pushed down until they simply give up, and the 'big guys' keep pushing forward with their self centered agendas. Well, how about when the 'little guy' decides not be little anymore?
I expect that the more truths I write, the more I will be slandered, smeared and treated like a social pariah to those currently in power. At one point in my life, that would have bothered me, but now I welcome it all. For the most part, I am a nice guy who treats others with empathy and compassion, naturally! I do have another side that comes to life when wrongs are committed, and that other side will stop at nothing to right those wrongs.
That side finally came to life after about a year of healing from my own abuse, and the purpose behind it grows each day. I have spent my whole life seeking justice for others, but forgot how to do so for myself. As someone who is naturally empathetic, I am have been preyed upon throughout my whole life by narcissists, and only began to realize the full spectrum of the problem over the past couple of years, especially after working for a master narcissist in a not-for-profit organization in our community of West Nipissing
I have been a good source of supply for Narcs for many years without even realizing it, just like so many other empathetic beings do. I am still an excellent source of 'supply' for Narcs now, but unfortunately for them, the supply I offer will now toxify them just like they do to good people. I can spot a Narc a mile away, and I will always treat them with compassion, there will be no respect added to that compassion though. Respect is reserved for good people who earn it!
Although I have altered my thinking quite a bit over the few years in regards to justice for my self, it is still not my primary purpose, and I have to blame my natural empathy for that one. I have a difficult time turning my care towards myself first when there are others around me being mistreated or abused. So in the mean time, I have turned myself in to a 'rock' once again, and allow nothing to penetrate my exterior, unless I knowingly allow it.
In order to attain my true purpose in life of helping others in need, I will now hurl myself, or the rock, at the people who are abusing their power and social status while harming others in the process. The justice I seek in the world right now is justice for those who are trying to help themselves, but are overwhelmed and stuck being the 'little guy' as well.
My ability to write words like these offers me the opportunity to no longer be a 'little guy'. "The pen is mightier than the sword" is such a valid statement. Well presented words can change just about any situation, even an abusive one. The words I will continue to share have the underlying purpose of helping an innocent person/people who are stuck in an abusive situation, and should no longer have to suffer the effects.
There is simply no need for the abuse or the behaviour of the Narc i am speaking of. She should be ashamed of herself, but I know she does not understand shame. I do have empathy towards even this horrible being, and understand that she suffers from a mental illness, but in no way does this condone her negative and abusive behaviours towards others, and the enablers who stand behind her should certainly be feeling some shame at this point, but I believe they are too ignorant and self-centered to see what is actually going on.
Well, this 'little guy' will make sure that everyone can see the truth, and then the community as a whole can decide what is right! This is not about me attacking Narcs for the most part, it is about exposing the truths of their behaviours in their public positions so that citizens can make an educated decision on how they feel about the shitty things going on behind closed doors in our community,
The 'VIP's' in our community have controlled their image for many year through coercion and fear, but that will no longer work for them. We may not have a proper newspaper or media to keep our public employees in check, but this 'little guy' will continue to keep pushing forward and doing their work for them. I look forward to seeing you all out there on the 'playing field' as our community heats up during election time.
It should be fun, well maybe for the truth seekers, not so much for those who hide the truth!
Namaste and good day my friends
Monday, November 13, 2017
Throughout my own healing process over the past year or so, I have written about several mental health issues from the standpoint of both a counselor, and a client. As I researched and reflected for many months, the focus of the deeper issues became clear, and now I am finally left with goals and purpose in my being once again. Because of life experiences and training, I knew I would find the 'darkest' stuff near the end of the process, and sure enough my focus has become psychological and narcissistic abuse.
We can be injured physically and watch the healing happen before our very eyes. How do you chart your progress when your injuries and scars are on a mental scale? There are many answers to this, but for me the progress is my chart. Where is my mental state of being currently, and what items continue to plague me even after an abundance of healing?
Although I have been through more than my share of psychological abuse, I am thankful to have had those things along life's journey, because they have made me mentally stronger and wiser than i could have ever imagined. Yes, the experiences and the dark times sucked, there is no getting around that, but we can either let those things destroy us, or make us stronger. It is a choice in personal growth.
I have chosen to continue growing from the inside out, whereas the Narc will always choose from the outside in. Their image and reputation are of the utmost importance, and way above the need to treat others with any sort of empathy or compassion. So now that I have mostly healed everything on the inside, I find myself left with a few toxic items laying around in there, and they all come from outside sources, and of things that have been left unresolved.
So Why fight back at narcissists? Most of the current research points people to 'no contact' when dealing with narcs. It is suggested to leave the toxic situation and don't look back, for your own health. As someone who has had a lot of experience with this type of abuse and someone who attracts narcs like flies to crap, I can tell you that the suggestion is a good one, but only for a while!
Healing from the mental abuse can take months or even years for some, and that is if it is ever healed completely, which I would assume is quite rare. This is the type of abuse that can plague your mind for the rest of your life. So how do we deal these underlying issues then? I have several theories on this subject but currently I am only interested in my working theories. It is my belief at the moment that because the issues I am healing from are still unresolved on the outside, I will not be able to complete my healing and resolve my underlying resentment unless I resolve the problems that outside of my inner self.
There are several narcissists that have caused inner struggles for me, but for now I focus on the most prevalent, and the one that still reminds me daily that it is unresolved. The person who caused most of my underlying resentment is still thriving while I deal with the effects they caused me. This needs to change in order for me to finish healing.
When i first 'crashed' after leaving my abusive work situation, I was exhausted, frustrated and likely angrier inside than I thought at the time. The attempts I made to bring down my abusers were small and unable to affect the situation, but I also know that resentment was driving the attempts at the time, and that was not the right approach. That is when I took my own advice and went with 'no contact' in order to heal.
Now I am ready to fight back at my narc and others because my proper focus has returned. I am no longer out for revenge or even retribution. I have always been an advocate for many issues throughout my life, and I even went back to college and trained in the arts of social justice and social work. My goal now is justice, and it has allowed me to turn the negative resentment and toxic feelings into a positive approach. I am out for social justice in my community right now, and the first resolution I am seeking is to correct the abusive situation still going on in the environment that I had to leave.
I can no longer sit back and watch the director of our local literacy agency and her minions continue to abuse others, especially the vulnerable ones that need that place. Someone has to put a stop to it and I believe that is what I am meant to do. I have met with several 'vip's' in our area over the past couple of weeks and I can see a small light at the end of the tunnel now. In one of my earlier articles I explained that these people have the option of contacting me and atoning for their actions, but since I have received no replies in that regard, I will diligently press forward.
There is a big shake-up that is going to happen over the coming months, and many of the public positions in our community will be brought to the surface so that certain actions and behaviours will be exposed to the general public, including my blogs. I am seeking social justice right now and will stop at nothing to see it through to its fruition. There will be a few narcissistic individuals who are currently enjoying their power and untarnished reputations, who will experience some negative press.
I would have preferred a different kind of resolution because it is never my purpose to intentionally hurt anyone, even the evil narcissists. I have had to choose the concept of justice to appease myself as I move forward. I expect I will tarnish the images of quite a few Narcs in West Nipissing, and it is almost unfortunate for them that this is how they will be remembered even after all of the good things they 'think' they have done. Things never had to happen this way, but justice must be served!
If you have been harmed or abused by a narcissist, I hope my words help you a little in your own effort to move forward in life. If you are a narcissist reading this, especially if you are one the specific narcs I am pointing at, this is just the beginning of the game. I did not start the game, but as I stated in an earlier article, I am a good chess player and I don't give up until all options are exhausted.
I believe I am in for a long battle at the moment, but I am certainly up for it this time around.
Namaste and be well