This question came to my mind today that opened up several realizations for me; What was the worst part about the psychological abuse i endured, and why is it so hard to completely let go of? I was bombarded by responses by my beloved ego, and most of them were quite rational and logical, but they all seemed to come from a negative perspective. So, I put the topic away for a few hours so my self could ponder it more deeply.
I even discussed the issue with a friend in the hopes that it would help me to identify the core answer to the question I had posed of myself. I won't take you through all of the points of self discovery over the past hours and will get right to my current answers, and better understand the validity of them.
The worse part is feeling like I was always off balance inside myself. Like someone had identified my underlying anxiety disorder and began to feed off of it My anxiety grew over time, and I did not truly see what had happened until it was too late, and I was too weak to overcome it, even with the tremendous coping skills I have acquired over the past few decades. I was being controlled as one would control a string puppet. I was being kept out of control and weak so I would basically do as I was told.
Talk about a kick in the pride once you discover that one! Now that I understand that point, why can't I let go of it? Well, I answered that with my previous statement, pride. How do we as basic human animals allow ourselves to be attacked in any way without wanting to fight back? That whole flight or fight instinct lying down there in our ID (Freud had some excellent theories to work with).
Although I do my very best to remain humble, I still suffer from the deadliest of all sins, and it is what I was conditioned with in my own younger development. Someone has wronged me, and then to throw salt on the wound, they turn the others in your life against you at the same time, as they play the victim, which narcissists do very well. So I have felt stuck between the rock, pride, and the hard place, human kindness, for a very long time.
Do I be kind and let go, and become an enabler of that person's bad behaviour? Or does human kindness tell me to teach that person the lesson they need to learn so that they don't continue hurting others. Do I let pride take over and decide to fight back with all I have? I will guess at this point that the answer lies somewhere in between the two.
Here is what I discovered today so far, and what I will finish this blog with; I believe that as someone who has both sympathy and empathy towards the situation, with a large amount of insight into the problem, I believe it is my job to show the other person the error of their ways. Not through violence, or any sort of unlawful behaviour, but through the kind caring eyes of a teacher or sage.
Someone with a narcissistic personality disorder has no empathy and their intent is usually malicious. I cannot not practice empathy because it is natural for me to do so, and I am not very good at being malicious or mean, so I must come up with a better way to teach them. How about showing them what they have done to us and let them begin their own self-reflection. This would be brand new for them and even provide them with hopes of saving a very small piece of their soul before they leave this world.
A narcissist will keep you off balance and feeling out of control so that they can keep control, and continue to fill their narcissistic supply. They do this by honing in on your greatest fears and weaknesses, and then use them skillfully against you. Well, why can I not do the same in return, but from a more caring perspective? The single greatest fear of the narcissist is exposure. They fear being caught for their actions and behaviours more than anything else. They do not want the public to see them for who they really are, or 'the gig will be up' so to speak.
Maybe if we can put the narcissist off balance for a while, they will finally get a sense of what it feels like, and they will stop preying on good people, especially empathetic beings. I have been writing a book about my community and it is over half written now. It also contains in depth truths of what I went through behind closed doors, while others looked the other way, and still continue to do so. Well they won't be able to once my book comes out.
Maybe I can keep the narcissists off balance for a while and teach them something in the mean time. It will be a hard lesson, but one that needs to be taught whether they want to hear it or not. I will no longer stand by and watch others be abused as I was, without making a strong attempt to put a stop to it.
Narcs, I am coming for you! If you are not a narcissist and believe you have never hurt another in this way ever, then you have nothing to fear. But if you feel a twinge of fear that you may be exposed, you may want to begin self reflecting before it is too late. That shit will eat you up inside, believe me, this has been a long battle with myself, and yours has just begun!