Depression- From Independent to Dependent
For years I focused on how I was going to become stronger and more independent in many aspects of my life. It made me focus on getting to where I wanted to be at this point in my life now. The only problem is that I did so much to become Independent, that I forgot what it was like to let people in and help when help was needed. Two years ago I ended up with a serious injury from my most amazing career.... Personal Support Worker.
I continued to work for as long as I could, and for as long as my doctor would allow me to. The more tests I endured and the more people I had to rely on for answers, made me feel so much more dependent than I ever wanted to be. I had to rely on people to drive me in my vehicle to appointments, help me when I was so drugged up on pain medication that I didn't even know who my son was, and most of all I needed to rely on my husband to support our son and I. I HATED IT!!
I was the bread winner for so many years that I hated the fact that I had to depend on someone else to take the reins. Over the last couple of years, the more independence I lose, the more depressed and closed off I become. I have tried so many options to make money from home and to keep myself busy as I become stronger physically, but it's just not filling the empty gap I have now.
I am a person who has always had a big heart, and helped those who needed me the most, now I sit at home, worrying about finances and worrying about what my husband and children think of me, constantly. Depression is setting in, and it took a good friend of ours to point it out. When I lost my independence, I lost a part of myself. Writing blogs and talking with good friends, helps me stay focused on the end goal.....showing people who think they are alone that they aren't, and guiding them in a new direction in their lives.
As i focus more and more on myself, getting healthier, exercising to help with the chronic pain, and being the best Mommy and Wife I could possibly be, I focus on becoming the woman I once was and doing what I love most. I am now a Paraprofessional! I am a Personal Support Worker as well as an Addictions Counselor, all because I had the guidance and the right people to push me to do what I was meant to do......Help people who wanted to be helped.
The more I remember my purpose in life and what makes me the happiest when I am at my lowest, the more I can focus on who I really am and be the happy woman I once was. It has been two years since my injury, and not a day goes by that I don't think about it and how it has affected me mentally, physically, and emotionally, but I have begun to stop letting it CONTROL me!! Don't get me wrong..... I am still very emotional when it comes to our finances, and I am still a person to nag if something isn't done to my liking..... but if I didn't do any of these......I wouldn't be me and my husband might think I've totally gone crazy lol! :D
My independence is coming back, just not the way I wanted it to, but I need to keep learning to accept my new path in life. Just because I am physically disabled, does not mean that I need to be totally dependent on people. I can do what I do best, whether it be sitting at my computer writing all day, sitting in my front room talking to people who need guidance, or just chatting on the phone with someone who is in a rough place.......I can help the ones who need it most by just listening, or sharing my stories too.
No one is perfect in this world, and no one ever will be! Just remember that no matter how alone you feel in this great big world......There are millions just like you....millions who think they are alone and won't speak up about their mental health, addictions, and/or physical health issues because they don't want to be judged or stigmatized for being "ill". But think of it this way..... The more people who speak up and out about their issues in this society today..... the more people will understand that they are not alone, and that the help is really out there, and the ones who stigmatize and judge, may eventually see that just because we have an illness does not mean we are broken....it just means we need to be understood and to not be treated any differently than the next guy.
Keep your chins up and don't ever hesitate to ask questions to our paraprofessionals or even to the ones writing the blogs.....they have experience too.....not everyone needs a degree to understand what its like to be ill.
Have a fantastic Tuesday Y'all :D
To read other posts by Ashley go to http://ashleysguidance.blogspot.ca/